Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
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