mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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