theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Randomize
