Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
he laminated a picture of his dick.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize