I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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