my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
