if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
...so i touched it.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize