He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
