Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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