It's like God shit irony all over that family
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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