I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I love how my cats smell like pot.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
