I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
