We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
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