i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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