What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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