Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
