I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
