I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize