She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Randomize
