I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize
