I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
