please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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