Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
You ever have a fart follow you around?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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