I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
