Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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