I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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