i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
