sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
