I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
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