Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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