I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
