There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
