Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
