I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
