saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Apparently you make a good broom.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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