hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
We need to rekindle our bromance
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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