i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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