just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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