do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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