I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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