My hair reeks of homosexuality.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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