mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
