you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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