She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
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