friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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