Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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