Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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