You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
