i'm lost and i look like a hooker
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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