I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Randomize
