do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
