Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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