They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize