I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I just want to make out with him forever
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize
