I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
