i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize