I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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