Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
